Becoming Blended Family Parents

Blending families is hard. The fact is that blended family parents face a lot of extra stresses that new step parents (spouses who have no kids of their own) do not face. This does not mean that it is not stressful to be a new step parent—it is! The fact of the matter is, however, that parents with children come with far more baggage than someone who enters into the relationship as a single individual.

When you marry parents with children you will, inevitably have to deal with the children's other parent. This could be a good thing or it could be a very bad thing. Most blended family parents put quite a lot of pressure upon themselves to create a mutually respectful relationship between their children's other parent and you.

It is important that you be as supportive as you possibly can to ease your new spouse's worries. Try your best to deal with your step children's other parent on good terms. Obviously the other parent might have other plans for your relationship, but it is your job as a new spouse and a new step parent that you try your hardest to get along with your step children's mother or father.

It is also important that you be as patient as you possibly can. Your first instinct might be to jump right in and take on parenting responsibilities of your own. Resist this urge. When you marry parents with children you are entering into a fully formed family dynamic. It is your job to blend in with them as much as you can, not force them to change their lives to suit you.

Over time you will grow together to make new traditions, form new rules and create new norms. In the beginning, however, your job as blended family parents is to help the kids feel as safe and secure as possible. Let your new step children set the pace for your relationship. It will be hard, but if you push too hard you could alienate your new blended family.

While it is important to be respectful of your blended family parent's familial responsibilities, it is also important that you make time for the two of you as a couple. This does not mean that you should ship the kids off to their other parent whenever you can, but try to make "couple" time every day for the two of you to share. Even if it is just fifteen minutes a day, blended family parents will appreciate being seen as men and women as well as parents—they will also appreciate your not trying to marginalize their roles as parents with children.

Learning how to be a blended family is difficult, especially if you are new to blended family parents and have never been married to parents with children before. Be patient and try not to push too hard. Your new role will be worked out in time. In the mean time the best thing that you can do is be supportive to those who are trying to make room for you in their lives.